Posted by: shelliejelly | May 5, 2008

Dear K.

I waited for you my entire life, or that is how it seemed. I was a late-bloomer, never really being interested in relationships, perhaps because throughout high school no one was interested in having a relationship with me. The boys I called friends seemed vexed by me, as though they couldn’t really figure me out and did what was easiest — ignored the fact that I was a girl.

I shouldn’t suggest that I didn’t have any suitors, because there were a few, but I didn’t ever feel a real connection and would spend my time in a vague cloud of distraction, my feelings flitting here and there like a moth dancing around a light bulb. This behavior usually produced what might have been my subconscious intention; I was left alone and the interested party was left scratching his head and wondering what the hell just happened and why no one’s hands ended up down someone’s pants.

Unlike some of my friends, I didn’t feel the need to experiment with sexuality. I spent my time looking for something and someone who was authentic. I wanted to understand and be understood and even though I probably had no idea what being in love entailed, I did know enough to recognize non-love. I wasn’t saving myself — at least not in the way saving oneself can be interpreted — but I also wasn’t giving myself away.

At the time, I thought something might be wrong with me; I thought that perhaps something was broken and I’d never find a person who would inspire deeper feelings in me. All I knew at the time was that I’d know when I met him. And then I met you (years after I was out of high school and convinced I’d die alone)

I was still scared, and I didn’t know how to tell you how inexperienced I was with these feelings, but I knew, as I always thought I would, that I’d found someone who would help me figure it all out, who would be patient and kind.  We were meant to be, of that I am certain.

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Responses

  1. […] good this man made me feel, something I hadn’t been even remotely close to experiencing since K. I had spent so much time protecting myself from the potential for pain that I had forgotten how to […]


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