Posted by: shelliejelly | May 11, 2008

On the Train

After a slow start, I had to get to work. O. was heading downtown, too, so he could catch another train back to the suburbs. We both reeked of stale alcohol, and, truth be told, I don’t think I was completely sober — a little dizzy buzz seemed to still be hanging around. My head was foggy and heavy with too little sleep.

But for feeling so bad, I couldn’t help but smile. Standing above me as I sat down on the first part of the trip, O. leaned in and asked me when he could see me again. I didn’t know what to say, caught between telling the truth, “Whenever you want,” and giving him something to guess at, “I don’t know, I’ll have to check my schedule.”

I can’t remember what we decided, perhaps that next weekend? My stomach did flip flops thinking about how good this man made me feel, something I hadn’t been even remotely close to experiencing since K. I had spent so much time protecting myself from the potential for pain that I had forgotten how to let myself go, to open myself up, even the tiniest of cracks, to let his hands and perfect words try to help me heal.

I didn’t know what to expect from what we’d just started; I didn’t know if our feelings were just a whirlwind of instant attraction that would extinguish as quickly as they had ignited, like a sudden rainstorm swallowed by calm. My heart was ready, though, to follow whatever was to come.

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