Posted by: shelliejelly | May 17, 2008

In deep

It wasn’t too long until I knew that I was in love with O. I think we’d been seeing one another for two or three months, and I could feel in my bones that this man was in my heart. I didn’t know how to tell him, didn’t know if I’d sound ridiculous or if he’d look at me with pity in his face, apologizing for not feeling the same way about me.

My heart was too full, though, and I couldn’t help myself.

We were in bed and I was straddling him, laughing down in his face between kisses and silly jokes. I could feel the smile on my face, so wide and true I didn’t stop my voice from starting the unstoppable, “I really la la like you,” I croaked like a grade school valentine. I knew he understood what I was going to say, what I wanted to share with him.

O. was patient, letting me figure it out, helping me along. “I love you,” I finally said, or something like that. My meaning was clear, my heart was out there, pumping with excitement and anticipation. I don’t remember, exactly, what O. said back to me, his words didn’t mean as much as his actions. The way his lips found mine, his hands on my face and in my short hair, pausing at the back of my head. His deep brown eyes staring into mine. I knew he loved me, too.

After that first tentative declaration, we fell into an easy pattern of affection. We wrote each other lovely e-mails describing our feelings in tender detail. Text messages that would leave me smiling for the entire day, a warm feeling spreading through me. We were slowly growing into one another, our lives so different from when we met but somehow neither of us could remember what they were like so natural was our union.

“Love like this could save the world,” I once wrote of O. and me. I still believe it, somewhere deep inside.

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