Posted by: shelliejelly | June 4, 2008

Putting it all together

When everyone met O., they all said the same thing: You two belong together. We got each other’s jokes, we made one another laugh and we just fit in a way immediately apparent but impossible to describe. Though we started dating from the start, O. soon became my best friend. He is who I turned to when I wanted to talk about my day or laugh about something I’d seen or heard. Several times a day, I’d find myself thinking, “I have to remember to tell O.”

 

We had a shorthand, a stable of inside jokes that only made sense to us. Being that close to another human being both comforted and terrified me. I had lost everything before; I’d had to piece my life back together after tragedy and, once solid, or seemingly so, risking another personal earthquake that would send me crashing to the ground was difficult.

 

As I look back, I am beginning to understand that perhaps I never truly trusted in my life again, didn’t trust that the Universe wouldn’t pull the rug out from under my feet, laughing at my willingness to love again. This distrust, unconscious and as habitual as breathing, caused me to shield my heart just a little bit, keep something aside so that if my life shattered I’d have a remnant, a scrap upon which I could rebuild.

 

O.’s love has always made me want to try to make my heart whole. I’ve just never known how.

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