Posted by: shelliejelly | August 26, 2008

Like a rock

The hardest thing about contemplating what might have been wrong between O. and I is that the wrong always has another side: the right. For all the confusion and hurt of watching a relationship I deeply cherished vanish into thin air there are a million moments that still light a spark inside of me, making me hope against hope that, like K. dying, this turn of events is all some colossal mistake.

Simple words and phrases take me back to a not-so-long-ago time when we both honestly believed we would spend the rest of our lives together. Watching people or overhearing conversations sometimes feels like I am having my relationship mirrored back to me, only two strangers are in our place speaking the words and experiencing the love. “I love spending time with you,” a boy whispers to a girl on the train, or “I just want to be with you,” a girl speaks into her phone, smiling.

The idea that we’ll never speak another loving, heartfelt, intimate word to one another seems impossible, but so does living in the agony of the past few months. And just as I did with K., I look for the moment when it all derailed, when we no longer looked at each other and felt, at the core, an overwhelming sense of gratefulness, of empowered passion.

I look to make sense, to find my way to the edges of the maze that will set me free. But instead, every corner I turn seems to lead me deeper, where I find the double-edged sword of what was and what is.



  1. […] is the only answer. And there are days, like today, where this complete and total separation seems unimaginable. I swing back and forth like a rogue pendulum that can’t control its movement, at the mercy […]

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