Posted by: shelliejelly | September 15, 2008

Good times

As I move closer to divorce, I find the double-edged sword cuts deeper. Every time I think I have finally reached a place where I can finally come to terms with what has happened, the space behind my eyes is filled with happy memories–or, at the least, less angry ones.

Our separation is a complicated one. I was blindsided on a Thursday afternoon with a sentiment that had been brewing for several months. O. was blindsided by a bipolar disorder diagnosis after making a life-changing decision that can’t be taken back. Peeling back the layers, trying to put the truth under a microscope so I can look at it with newly informed eyes is difficult. Regardless of the amount of logic the present defies, I can’t ignore the past; the amount of love that passed between O. and I, as I’ve said before, could save the world, I believe.

And somewhere in the mess bubbles understanding, an unwillingness to completely forget the good:

* O. told me every day how much he loved me, how happy I made him and how completely I changed his life.

* When I was 7 months pregnant my feet and legs started to swell, a condition that ended up with me in tears and dangerously close to preeclampsia as I delivered our little girl. Every day after work, O. would have me lie on our bed while he massaged my feet and legs until they felt better.

* He always grabbed my hand first.

* He cooked dinner almost every night.

* When I wanted a chocolate bar, he’d wordlessly slip from our condo and go get me one at the corner store.

* He liked having really good conversations with me.

* When I went to bed, he’d tuck me in and tell me to have sweet dreams.

* The hard stuff, like letting out daughter cry it out when she first started to sleep in her crib, was something he took on willingly.

* He liked me, without fail.

* He sang me songs.

* I love to have my back tickled, and he would do it for long stretches of time without a peep of complaint.

* Even when I wasn’t successful, he made me feel good for trying.



  1. […] always for me As I’ve said, there were good things about O. and I. Many good things. I’ve struggled a good deal while trying to parse out my […]

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