Posted by: shelliejelly | October 20, 2008

Recall, Reimagine

As with most things, there were warning signs that I ignored, probably because there was always a glimmer of what a good person O. could be. In certain moments, like a flash of light you catch in the corner of your eye, I could see a tender, caring person buried, and so I waited, patiently.

Now, I know I gave too much, waited too long, forgave and believed when I should have forced that spark of goodness to either explode or extinguish. I should have set myself free long ago, remembered my own worth instead of continually trying to make him see his value.

But a stark, clear understanding of what needs to happen hasn’t stopped my heart from wishing things were different. Perhaps because I still see a small ember of the man I fell in love with who is almost unrecognizable today. Or maybe it’s because his face will always be reflected back to me when I look at my daughter. No matter the origin of the force, something still pulls me back as I struggle toward a place I know I need to reach: total separation, just shy of indifference.

I don’t know that I’ll ever fully understand what has happened. I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I’ve come to this place, how I’ve once again landed alone, staring at my heart, in pieces, seemingly existing outside of my body for the time being. I don’t want to falter under the weight; I don’t want to be the sad-eyed girl you can spot from miles away. But, right now, I can’t imagine another reality.

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