Posted by: shelliejelly | November 9, 2008

In the present

I’ve been writing a great deal about what is happening now, and what has happened in the past. While visiting with my therapist this weekend, she advised me to be aware of how much time I am spending in the looking backward. “Just make sure you are spending as much time in the present,” she suggested.

Part of what I work through here is the present, of course, and part is in the distance. Maybe what led her to worry a bit was my admitting how much I’ve been missing K. lately. Because I do. I miss him terribly, and I haven’t had this feeling for quite a while. I’ve checked in with myself to make sure I am not backsliding, slipping back into the depths of grief that first followed me, and, perhaps, led me to some of the mistakes I’ve made.

I don’t think that I am. I believe what is happening is writing about these two very different relationships has put each in perspective. Writing about K. has helped me understand how being in a good relationship makes me feel, how I should feel when someone loves me. Like putting glasses on helps bring things into focus, remembering details about how I felt with K. makes very clear why O. and I need to apart.

It might seem strange to go back and revisit such deep pain while in the midst of another loss, but I’ve actually gained confidence in my decision while steeping in my memories. I feel like I am coming out of a fog with a renewed understanding of the love I want. The love I deserve.

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